Enter, stage wrong: a highly dysfunctional dancing duo – Ballistic Mitosis and Fanny
I’m Fanny. The one with Cystic Fibrosis. The one that’s still a little angry. And the one that really wanted a space where I could say whatever I wanted and express how I felt without someone interrupting or telling me what I was wrong.
I believe we should all be able to say whatever we want if we are ready to deal with the repercussions. But for that reason, we all have the right to finish our sentence in fricking peace. No?
Quirky Little Me
I am the only daughter of a confused family of five, torn between the ideologies of a hippy Italian mother and my father’s Swiss Colonel rigidity. I have two brothers who signed their death sentence by stealing my food throughout my whole childhood, but specifically as teen when they always asked for a piece after I was done cooking.
We grew up scattered around Europe, Asia and Africa, following my father’s missions with the red cross. As a trio of kids we were close, for a long time after every move we were our only friends. But the travelling made us really independent and as adults we all live far apart and we can be really distant. I always knew that love wasn’t restricted by childish national boundaries, I didn’t need to be with the people I loved to love them, which as we grow up is proving to show that sometimes we forget to act like siblings, or maybe that’s just me.
A big part of this blog will be about my Cystic Fibrosis. My battle with her is about control and realising that I understood my body more than doctors acknowledged, and realising that I had the power to shape my future. Even when dealing with a disease that has a strict “way to live” handbook. I suffer from an illness that is invisible to others and yet suffocating to me. It is hard to manage the two together and our community can be very harsh. The disease comes in many different stages of suffering, which means there’s a lot of frustration and jealousy, which is understandable. We are also made to be each other’s enemies. The danger of cross infection from a CFer was a spade angled only at other CFers. If that isn’t an unwelcoming situation I don’t know what is. Imagine it is a constant Covid-19 situation between the only people that actually understand what you are going through.
One day I hope to create The Bubble, a space where CFers can connect and help each other through our communal struggles and pain. We can help each other if we speak to one another instead of through doctors and studies. But more on that another day…
I’m just a pretty random girl that allows herself to be governed by her emotions and desires. I am not one to measure achievements, I value happiness and ecstasy in every moment. And this was what this blog will be about.
This blog is freedom.
and One Lie
My mind has created a coping mechanism that physically blocks me from feeling pain until it becomes too overwhelming to handle. Which is why I can go from being super happy, to in a ball of torture in a few seconds. And I have no control over this.
I dream about escaping and leaving all of my city life, family and friends behind to go live on an island with monkeys. I have also considered it seriously in the past.
If I knew what I know now and I met my mother whilst she was pregnant with me, I would tell her to abort.
I have shielded my family from how hard it is to live with my illness within my family dynamic. Essentially lying to them for a quarter of a century.
I question whether or not I have a right to fall in love and engulf yet another human in a journey of sufferance.
Doctors know best.
We Lived Falling
About the Book Cassie’s condition sheltered her from the world for twenty-one years, and when she moves to Rome for an Erasmus program she finds herself seduced by a culture of passion and beauty. Lost in the careless student lifestyle, she denies her body the care it needs and soon she faces the consequences of her actions. Gabriella, a born and bred Roman, meets Cassie and quickly she finds herself intrigued by her innocence. A friendship blossoms between, and they start learning from each other. The city is Gabriella’s playground and she introduces Cassie to a life of pleasure. Gabriella’s boredom with her own life leads her to enmeshing herself into Cassie.